This is the post in which I attempt to get myself back together.
Yeah, it's been a rough year. Junior year was nowhere near nice to me, and family issues coupled with a lot of my own insecurity made getting nearly anything done impossible. The past six months have been so full of failures, disappointments, general let-downs, and harsh realities. I stopped focusing on enrichment and started focusing on getting enough sleep.
In that time spent getting used to being down in the dumps all the time, I found my voice fading. I didn't journal anymore. The creative writing that I'd pored over for years and years, as some of you old-timers may remember? I can't even hold a pen to a page for more than a memo, and trust me, I've tried. My English grades flew out the window because I stopped producing content. Even my emails and descriptive text messages became short and brief.
Every day I would think about my website. My silly, silly website, the place where I made my first long-term friends, the way I'd first reached out to the world. I told myself when I was eleven and starting it that it would help me get into college. Now, I'm filling out the Common Application to Carnegie Mellon University. My field of interest? Well, for now, Computational Biology. Funny how things change. I thought I was going to be a journalist, and now I can't see myself writing more than a few sentences when I absolutely need to.
So how did these few paragraphs come to life? I forced myself. As I got writing, I realized why I couldn't write. It was because I could, but every voice, every instinct in me said that I couldn't. That I wasn't worth hearing. I've spent the past six months being silenced, being told I was wrong or that I had a lot to learn. So eventually, I stopped speaking out. I stopped feeling the need to tell the world what was going on. I felt inadequate, whether that was in class, in my engineering design, and especially when I write about games. I'm not any good at games. I get told that over and over again. I can hardly play anything multiplayer because I don't want to show how long it takes for me to get used to controls. I have a copy of Doom waiting for me. My best friend bought it for me and I should play it. But, I can't bring myself to open it up. I just know I'll suck and get frustrated.
I know it's all supposed to be a learning curve. I know I'm supposed to start off bad and get better, or that the game is supposed to also know that, but then how in the name of all that is playable am I supposed to write about a game that I can't even play? It has been nearly six years of Soultamer Gaming, and I'm no good at any of the titles I've touched. So many times throughout this whole process have I considered just dropping it all. Why would anyone want to read what I have to put out? The thing is, I still don't know why. My only readers are people who know me personally, who want to read what I have to put out because I put it out, not because of what's in it. I can't trust myself anymore to write about games when I'm not even capable enough to play them well enough for a review.
But here I am, right? Here I am. Still writing after six years of suck. As my pageviews dwindle and look back on years where I got thousands of views, dozens of comments...interviews, invitations... I was so happy then. I wish I could feel that again. Things have gone pretty much downhill since I left the 101 community to start Soultamer Gaming formal, and while I have more liberation, maybe it wasn't the smartest idea for me as an entrepreneur. I could have become an Official Fansite, had something to really put on my Common App. But here I am, talking to the wall that I built myself, one of prestige that I don't imagine I'll reach again.
I have lots of content to put out. I have two or three finished posts sitting in the drafts. But I don't trust myself to put them out. Why should I put myself on a pedestal that I don't even mildly deserve to be on?
Yeah, it's been a rough year. Junior year was nowhere near nice to me, and family issues coupled with a lot of my own insecurity made getting nearly anything done impossible. The past six months have been so full of failures, disappointments, general let-downs, and harsh realities. I stopped focusing on enrichment and started focusing on getting enough sleep.
In that time spent getting used to being down in the dumps all the time, I found my voice fading. I didn't journal anymore. The creative writing that I'd pored over for years and years, as some of you old-timers may remember? I can't even hold a pen to a page for more than a memo, and trust me, I've tried. My English grades flew out the window because I stopped producing content. Even my emails and descriptive text messages became short and brief.
Every day I would think about my website. My silly, silly website, the place where I made my first long-term friends, the way I'd first reached out to the world. I told myself when I was eleven and starting it that it would help me get into college. Now, I'm filling out the Common Application to Carnegie Mellon University. My field of interest? Well, for now, Computational Biology. Funny how things change. I thought I was going to be a journalist, and now I can't see myself writing more than a few sentences when I absolutely need to.
So how did these few paragraphs come to life? I forced myself. As I got writing, I realized why I couldn't write. It was because I could, but every voice, every instinct in me said that I couldn't. That I wasn't worth hearing. I've spent the past six months being silenced, being told I was wrong or that I had a lot to learn. So eventually, I stopped speaking out. I stopped feeling the need to tell the world what was going on. I felt inadequate, whether that was in class, in my engineering design, and especially when I write about games. I'm not any good at games. I get told that over and over again. I can hardly play anything multiplayer because I don't want to show how long it takes for me to get used to controls. I have a copy of Doom waiting for me. My best friend bought it for me and I should play it. But, I can't bring myself to open it up. I just know I'll suck and get frustrated.
I know it's all supposed to be a learning curve. I know I'm supposed to start off bad and get better, or that the game is supposed to also know that, but then how in the name of all that is playable am I supposed to write about a game that I can't even play? It has been nearly six years of Soultamer Gaming, and I'm no good at any of the titles I've touched. So many times throughout this whole process have I considered just dropping it all. Why would anyone want to read what I have to put out? The thing is, I still don't know why. My only readers are people who know me personally, who want to read what I have to put out because I put it out, not because of what's in it. I can't trust myself anymore to write about games when I'm not even capable enough to play them well enough for a review.
But here I am, right? Here I am. Still writing after six years of suck. As my pageviews dwindle and look back on years where I got thousands of views, dozens of comments...interviews, invitations... I was so happy then. I wish I could feel that again. Things have gone pretty much downhill since I left the 101 community to start Soultamer Gaming formal, and while I have more liberation, maybe it wasn't the smartest idea for me as an entrepreneur. I could have become an Official Fansite, had something to really put on my Common App. But here I am, talking to the wall that I built myself, one of prestige that I don't imagine I'll reach again.
I have lots of content to put out. I have two or three finished posts sitting in the drafts. But I don't trust myself to put them out. Why should I put myself on a pedestal that I don't even mildly deserve to be on?
Ups and downs, ebbs and flows happen as we go through this life. Write about you, and whatever is making you passionate right now. Even if you don't think you're good at it. I bet you're better than you think. 46 years old and I still suffer from Imposter Syndrome all the time, despite evidence to the contrary. You are smart and talented!
ReplyDeleteWatch some Twitch streams. There are people out there making a living from being noobs at all kinds of games. Newbies can pull eyeballs and attention just as well as competitive experts, and so can the average Joe or Jane if they find their own voice and niche. So don't worry about it, just keep writing. Just take it "Bird by bird," as Anne Lamott would say.
ReplyDeleteBoring advice, I know, but write for yourself. Page views come and go but what you write stays. That has value.
ReplyDeleteAs for having to be good at games to write about them - if that logic held true there'd be next to no-one writing about film, music, art... All you need is to have something to say about the games you play and all that needs to be is how you felt while you were playing them, what they made you think, what you noticed.
You should keep getting enough sleep though - that's a good thing!
Your style is really unique in comparison to other people I have
ReplyDeleteread stuff from. I appreciate you for posting when you have the
opportunity, Guess I'll just book mark this blog.